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Well, my website is up again. And that means saying goodbye to our temporary blog :(

I really am gonna miss it here at Melon Flower…

http://www.jaknguyen.com.au

Such a lovely blogging community, so many wonderful people with such passion and vocality for their topics! Spooky Stef, we still need to have our cooking session! Joey, I feel like under other circumstances we’d get along like a house on fire! Janey, your faith is certainly something to admire! Julz, you’re amazing and a real sweetheart and we can’t tell you that often enough!

And Alex, you’re one of the handful of guys I know who could actually better me when it comes to the skirt chasing thing. And I hope you find whatever it is that you’re looking for, I really do.

Fuck your low self esteem and having to fill that void in your life with hooking up and sex. YOU’RE A FUCKING HOT GUY AND EVEN GIRLS WHO WON’T FALL FOR BULLSHIT WILL GLADLY QUEUE UP BEHIND EACH OTHER FOR IT!

It had to be said, dude.

http://www.jaknguyen.com.au

So guys…

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STAY IN TOUCH!

http://www.jaknguyen.com.au

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The Right Question:

        ‘Are they even doing it for us?’

First, the lives of most girls DO NOT revolve around pleasing guys. When girls buy a new pair of shoes or a new handbag, who do they expect to notice?

Other girls and gay guys.

If you look at a fashion magazine there’ll be a pretty girl on the cover and inside are tips on how to look like a pretty girl, as well as some pointing and laughing at fashion ‘mistakes’. Not every girl wants to be on the front cover, but no girl wants to be a fashion ‘mistake’.

So most girls like to meet the standards of their style.

Each style is different, and the standard is normally set by their peers. Some girls want to look as ghostly white as possible. Some girls will take well over an hour to look as naturally ‘flawless’ as possible. Others want the loudest and most hideous pair of fur shoes possible.

And all this happens without guys anywhere in the picture.

It’s about girls living up to girls standards.

Secondly, a lot of that stuff does make girls more attractive in ways guys appreciate. 99% of guys cannot even begin to imagine the amount of time and effort most girls put into their appearance. For example, the right shirt will flatter and shape a girl’s boobs, which is something all guys admit to admiring. The right boots and skirt combo can show the good parts of a girl’s legs while cleverly hiding the wobbly or scraggly parts.

There’s a lot that goes on that you don’t know about…

So it’s unfair to complain about her fussing with clothes while enjoying the result.

For guys who say they hate makeup, most girls use a certain amount of makeup just to get to ‘normal’. Girls with bad complexions use foundation to cover blemishes. Girls with small eyes use eyeliner to give the illusion of ‘normal’ eyes. The point of daily makeup is to go from ‘ugly’ (which doesn’t mean ugly at all, really, but they never listen to me because my opinion apparently doesn’t count for anything) to ‘normal’.  

If it gets to the point where you notice it or it’s overdone, she’s going to a special event or she’s in the entertainment industry.

Maybe all that stuff makes sense to you. But then again, I’m just one guy with a Liberal Arts degree and a blog.

What the fuck do I know?

All I know is that stuff is ridiculously hard to wash off pillow cases.

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Live well, love life and paint your canvas with broader strokes

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Delivering a speech in front of a business seminar is a lot different from pitching where to have dinner with your friends, but they have something in common:

A desired outcome.

It’s always the situations where we value something or have something to lose when things get a bit tricky.

Let’s be clear – you’re fine when you’re talking to your mum or your tutor. It’s when you desire a particular outcome from a situation where you go a little funny. When you stop acting like the socially-adjusted person, and start to ruin any chance of you and that pretty girl spending more intimate time together.

This is why people come to me for consultation.

The reason why your conversations are crashing and burning is something that has very little to do with you at all.

That’s right… It’s actually about her.

There are lots of factors at play that you have no control over when talking to a pretty girl. Stuff you can’t possibly do anything about.

        What are some of these factors?

  • How’s her day been?
  • How outgoing or shy is she?
  • How talented is she as a conversationalist?
  • How many drinks does it take until she feels comfortable interacting with a handsome, charming stranger?
  • Does she have a boyfriend or husband?
  • Was her heart recently broken?
  • Does she feel fat in that dress?
  • Was her boss an asshole today?
  • Is she having a bad hair day? Etc.

You don’t do this with people you’re not attracted to, but have a pretty girl in front of you and all of a sudden you act like her actions are saying more about you than they do about her.

         Perspective…

If a girl you’re NOT attracted to isn’t responding much in conversation, you may write her off as boring.

However, a girl you ARE attracted to isn’t responding much in conversation, all of a sudden you’re not interesting enough, didn’t say the right thing, you should have done something else to get a different reaction, etc.

Suddenly the success or failure of a conversation is placed on your shoulders. You’ll even justify her less-than-impressive behaviour as acceptable simply because she’s pretty.

How many girls do you know with clearly mental and emotional disabilities, but her abnormal behaviour is shrugged off as cute and quirky because she’s gorgeous?

Exactly. See what I mean?

Guys put pretty girls on pedestals sometimes, and this isn’t news to anyone. What IS new is when guys hold a potential romantic partner to the same standards as everyone else.

Certainly easier said than done and we’re a rare breed, but the difference is dramatic.

I recommend reminding yourself of this before you drive yourself mad trying to ‘fix’ your behaviour that never needed fixing in the first place.

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Live well, love life and do both of you a favour by treating her like everybody else

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For years I have had conversations with girls about this unfortunate double standard in society. They want to know why guys can sleep around and openly talk about it, but if girls do the same they are looked down upon. I used to have various half-baked explanations as to why that may be, but nothing has ever been conclusive:

  •         Balance of relationship power (metaphysical bullshit…)
  •         Girls have more to lose (figurative rationalisation bullshit…)
  •         Feelings are always involved for girls (emotional justification bullshit…)

I’m sure you’ve had similar theories…

It’s frustratingly ridiculous and unfair, isn’t it?

Recently however, I’ve come up with what I believe is to be the definitive answer. Not only did I identify the exact social dynamic that created this stupid double standard, I can illustrate it for you as well. 

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The setting? Neverland, South Melbourne…

I’m with gorgeous Miss Shanghai Socialite and we’ve known each other long enough to be aware that we’re both VERY good at what we do. So I suggest a game – who can get the most dates in a half hour. Ever the professional gambler, she suggested to take it one step further:

       The goal is to get laid the fastest.

Honour system, no holds barred, speed game. The stake: bragging rights.

I agreed.

Miss Shanghai Socialite knows what I’m capable of and thinks it’s a fair fight, but it really isn’t.

It really isn’t at all…

We go out into the large smoking area and she approaches a guy by the fence and says with a smile, ‘Hi, I think you’re really cute, would you like to come back to my place tonight?’ As he hesitates she adds, ‘You should decide now, otherwise I’ll go and find someone else.’

Unless the guy is gay or religious, she doesn’t have to spend more than a few minutes to lock a guy in. She made 5 guys turn into pathetic puppies in less time it takes to watch an episode of How I Met Your Mother.

One after the other they fall like dominos, and she smugly saunters back to me.

Now it’s my turn.

I’m approaching girls directly and with overwhelming sexuality - I compliment girls using my tried and trusted: ‘I just had to let you know you have a great sense of style’ ‘There’s something interesting about you that I’m really curious about’ and after a few minutes suggest I show her something back at my place. This has a very, VERY low chance of success, but with the right girl it is the fastest way for me to work my magic under the conditions.

So what I really need is a girl that is very sexual, who instantly finds me attractive and is confident in what she wants. During the day time, it takes hours of solid seduction to get a girl to that point. At night it’s much easier, but most girls will still require some solid seduction.

As you can tell from our sojourn, initiating sex is a much easier process for girls than it is for guys.

So whatever I do - however we look at it - it’s much more difficult for me to get laid than Miss Shanghai Socialite.

And I lose the bet…

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How this Applies to the Player/Slut Double Standard

So it’s easy for a girl to get laid, but it’s more difficult for a guy to get laid. This much we can all agree on.

So keep that in mind as we definitively determine why guys who have lots of sex are considered cool, and why girls who have lots of sex are labelled sluts.

I’m sure you know we’re I’m going with this…

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The Perspective…

Let’s take a guy who has slept with 50 girls, including international models and well-regarded, accomplished women, and compare him to a girl who has slept with 50 guys, including international models and well-regarded, accomplished men.

Let’s size them up in the way a potential date might.

For Guys

A girl looks at this guy and his ‘resume: work history’ and sees that he has successfully seduced all these girls. What does this say about him as a person?

We know that more than looks is required to have had successfully seduced all these girls, so he probably possesses traits like: humour, confidence, leadership, intelligence, and social status. In fact, every quality he has would be an attractive one.

The inference for him based on this one little detail? He is experienced, he’s capable and he has a lot going for him.

For Girls

Now we look at the girl who has slept with a lot of guys. What does this tell us about her? Does it even tell us she’s good looking? No. If it’s given to them on a plate, most guys will drastically lower their standards with regards to sex. So she could be average looking or possibly unattractive, even.

Does it mean she has a great personality or does it reveal other personal qualities about her? Again, no, she could walk around a venue and not even say a word and get laid.

The inference for her based on this one little detail? Nothing positive at all.

And therein lies the rub.

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Live well, love life and never EVER - under any circumstance - kiss and tell…

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Learning how to pick up girls during the day is one of the most valuable skills you can ever develop.

It’s right up there next to equally noteworthy skills such as cooking on a budget and investing your money early. 

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The great thing about picking up girls in the day time is that you don’t have to set aside time to go out to a party or a nightclub or a bar. You can just go about your everyday life – grocery shopping, going to class, etc – and still meet beautiful and attractive girls.

There are some key points I should share with you for meeting girls during the day. Just like meeting girls at night, these skills require regular practice to have any significant effect on your life.

        1. Constraint of Speed

Girls are busy during the day. When you’re meeting girls at night, you can be fairly certain she’s not likely to go anywhere anytime soon. But girls during the day are on their way to errands, heading to meetings, finishing up on their lunch break, running late, etc.

So they have legitimate time constraints that must be respected. Girls will ALWAYS try to make time for a handsome, charming stranger but if she says she’s busy, then she’s busy.

Don’t take it personally.

The side effect to this is you have to be quick. For this reason, it’s best to show direct interest when meeting girls during the day.

Also?

        2. Constraint of Timing

You’re ONLY going for her phone number. You’re not going to get the girl to kiss you in the middle of the food court or a public library (to be honest that’s actually an option but this is a beginners post, after all), so just build some rapport and go for her phone number.

I’ve already posted how to do that here.

        3. Constraint of Social Context

Finally, it’s best to look for girls who are by themselves during the day. When you approach girls in large groups,you end up spending way too much time juggling the conversation by trying to convince her friends you’re not weird, instead of getting to know the girl.

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        In Summary

This is what it looks like in real time: quick and direct conversation opener, some casual small talk, maybe a few interesting questions to get her invested, get her phone number.

That’s it. All this can be done in less than a couple of minutes.

It’s that easy.

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Live well, love life and sweep her off her feet

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If you want to know why some girls get really excited about shoes, I couldn’t tell you. Same reason why some guys are into cricket or rugby or whatever. I can’t tell you exactly why they’re into that stuff, and I don’t think they could either.

They just do.

But the thing is, right, it doesn’t matter if girls are into shoes or not. The average girl has to have a fair amount of them, especially if they wear dresses.

I know, I’ve tripped over my fair share of the bloody things trying to avoid ‘breakfast’.

See, a girl can wear sneakers all the time when she wears her everyday outfit with jeans. But the moment she changes to pants, dress, skirt or shorts, odds are her regular shoes suddenly don’t match.

You have to coordinate that stuff: styles have to match, colours shouldn’t look weird together, etc. To cover all bases, she usually has a black, white and brown pair of shoes in each basic style – heels, flats, low boots, high boots. If she has any ‘cute’ or ‘funky’ colours, they’ll probably only match one outfit.

I think.

Jeez, why do I persist in writing about stuff I know nothing about…?

Oh and by the way, figuring out which shoes go with which outfit looks like black magic voodoo as far as I can tell, so I think it’s easy to imagine girls coming home from the shops with a pair of shoes and freaking out when they realise they match fuck all.

A lot of these bad combos seem frivolous, but even the densest of us can tell when something’s a little off about a girl based on her outfit.

No girl wants to be known as ‘that awkward girl’ or ‘that weird girl’.

Hence, this post and the whole fashionable outfit thing.  

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Live well, love life and one day these boots are gonna walk all over you

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Growing up, I never really got to answer that question properly. I think it’s because it changed as my interests and my circumstances developed.

For now, I’m just going to answer with “Work in Progress”.

    The top 3 things I wanted to be when I grew up, Age 5:

Tyrannosaurus RexJurassic Park had just come out in cinemas and - I’m quoting Ross from Friends here - “Dinosaurs are fucking cool!”

Santa ClausTo a 5 year old, the jolly red man obviously had the best job in the world

Jackie Chan – For a kid who likes to climb things and kung fu bad guys, he obviously had the second best job in the world

     The top 3 things I wanted to be when I grew up, Age 10:

Artist – I was an awesome illustrator and painter, it’s all I ever did in class

Sculpture – I was very good with creating form using my hands too

Rally Car Driver – I didn’t know how to drive yet, but I just knew I’d be awesome at it

     The top 3 things I wanted to be when I grew up, Age 15:

Private Detective – I grew up admiring smart people making smart decisions

Con Artist – I had the makings of an awesome con man, except for the fact I had scruples

Film Actor – I discovered I had more than a passing interest for screen time

     The top 3 things I wanted to be when I grew up, Age 20:

Entrepreneur – Financial independence, travel, being your own boss

Diplomat – Get to travel and influence events on a global scale? Where do I sign up?!

Cultural Attaché – Like the diplomat, except not at all important because it’s about artsy stuff instead

     Now that I’m a fully functional adult - the jobs I’m currently doing, Age 24:

Writer – And I’m proud as hell of it

Event Coordinator­ ­– Somehow I fell into an industry that kept my interest

Entrepreneur – Because as an adult, it’s the only job that really occupies my attention and gives me direction

Who knows where I’ll be in another 5 years time?

If my current luck is any measure, I’ll probably just go full circle back to dinosaur…

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Live well, love life and think about how 10 year old you would see you now…

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The Point is Don’t Lose Your Dinosaur

"Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job." 

The perfect lead in to tomorrow’s post.

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In general, fashion for guys is pretty straight forward. It runs along a simple dimension:

A guy can sit anywhere between casual boxers to formal tuxedos.

That’s pretty much it.

Sure there are different styles, but most guys just stick with one. So we’re easy like that.

In comparison, girls fashions are the product of the entangled mess of a freakin’ spiderweb.

For example, amongst many many options, in addition to casual and formal there’s also slutty and prude.

An outfit can be slutty and casual enough to almost warrant an arrest… But not too slutty. Just enough to turn heads, but not quite enough to raise eyebrows, y’know?

That sort of thing.

And as you can tell from the above example, an outfit also says a lot about a girl’s character. The thing is, it’s an unfortunate double standard and you can’t do the same thing with guys.

It’s a very rare outfit that would cause someone to point out it’s wearer is a man-whore (hey-o!) based on his outfit alone. A guy with too many buttons undone is probably being way too casual, but a girl does the same thing and she’s labelled a slut.

No girl likes to be labelled, which is why they’re so very careful when it comes to the wardrobe. 

Then there are special rules for special occasions which I don’t get at all but apparently they have something to do with accessories and handbags and something called “Milan, daaaahling.” So you could have an outfit with the right amount of formal or slutty, but it’s not the right occasion.

Or something.

Wow… I just noticed this post is harder to write than I thought!

And apparently the more fashionable you are, the more dimensions you have. So that’s why a seemingly simple decision like what to wear can get so damn complicated.

Asshole marketing by the fashion industry or the inevitable nature of girls themselves, that’s beyond me.

I’m a twenty-something guy.

I’m far too busy imagining girls without clothes.  

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Live well, love life and get yourself a pair of Cherry Red Chuck Taylors already!

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If you’re ever chatting with a girl on Facebook, IM, text message or whatever, it’s always nice to say:

          “Wish you were here.”

The only problem is, it’s not very original and it sounds pretty needy…

Depending on the context of your relationship with her, it can be off-putting.

So let’s add a bit of Jak magic to make things more meaningful:

          “Wish you were here… we could really use some Family Guy jokes right now ;)”

          “Wish you were here… help translate duck-speak for me. All I hear from them is ‘Quack’!”

          “Wish you were here… a discerning foodie who knows good macarons ;)”

See the pattern? You want something fun or dorky that she has done or represents. It’s never “we need someone sexy” or “it’d be more fun”. The reason you’re giving her the idea to be there is because she’s Unique and Fun.

Unique and Fun.

That’s where the magic is ;)

Of course, you’d only use those if those exchanges have already occurred. So for example with the above, you’ve already swapped Family Guy gags, fed the ducks at the park together, shared some macarons, etc.

So then the next time you see her, you’ve got yourself an instant inside joke:

      Re: Family Guy: “Do Stewie’s voice again! I love it when you do his accent!”

      Re: Ducks: “So what do ducks dream about again?”

      Re: Macarons: “Raspberry? No way, the best flavour has to be pistachio!”

A little laughter goes a long way, and it’s a fun way to say hello.

Go on, give it a go :)

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Live well, love life and add a twist to your conversations